So rumour has it

I wore a dress to my cousins wedding...check it out, I *do* have legs. And yes, they're just as lily white as the rest of me. As my Nan so kindly pointed out. Did you know my outfit also made me look short? Yeah. Great. Cheers Nan. Least my ma n pa said I looked pretty...
It twas a lovely wedding - Becky looked gorgeous and Simon scrubbed up quite nicely ;o)
I like my London side of the fam, wish we could see them more often. I've barely seen any of them for years. I've only met one of my uncles twice, at the wedding and at my Granddad's funeral 2 years ago. Ah distance...

So here I am on the eve of one week till my quarter of a century. Actually scratch that, it may be true but it sounds so much worse than 25 dosen't it? Eurgh. I knew I'd hate this year. Not so much the actual digits but the fact that I *still* haven't accomplished anything. 10 years in Sept since my life just came to a grinding halt.
I've come so close so many times to nearly making something happen. Only last summer I was all booked in a paid for an A level art course. I actually cried when I did. I couldn't believe after all this time I was actually doing something productive, something I've been dreaming of since I was 15. Then, of course, my body had other plans. 'Nope.' it decided, 'can't let you do that, actually achieve something? Heaven forbid! No, I'd much rather you waste your life away doing sod all than, you know, be happy'
I have a really love/hate thing going on with my body. I mean, I'm very lucky. All my limbs complete and in working order, but sometimes I wonder what the point is if I can't even use the damn things.
I mean, take this week. I haven't been feeling quite right so I thought I was fighting off a bug and give it a few days and all would be good again. Ha! Currently I'm contending with jelly legs. You know that feeling in your muscles when you tense them for a while then relax, like that except there is no tensing, just the wobbly jelly-ness. Which means I can't walk, or even sit up properly. Sod.
Just when I'm finally starting to feel a bit creative since, well, let's be honest, Christmas?!
Eurgh.

Ok...try and end on a positive...

Going to see Harry Potter on Tues (fingers crossed!) I know I'm going to be in tears by the end but I'm still happy about this. (must remember to wear my waterproof mascara...)
Is that positive enough? Ahh there are probably a ton more but I wanted a minor rant. I could have gone on for hours - there are so many things I *need* to say but no-one will ever let me. I'm surrounded by postive, half glass full people (how the hell that happened I'll never know). 'Don't worry, it'll all get better soon...' yes, I know. You've told me this every few months for the past 10 years, has my life actually changed in any way since I was 15? 'Now, don't be like that. Things change, it will get better...' ARGH! It's like banging my head against a brick wall. I know they just think they're helping but sometimes I want to wallow, ok!? Plus, sometimes, I really don't need to hear a general 'things will work themselves out' prediction. It dosn't always help. Not when, I repeat, it's all I've heard for the past 10 years. Are they better yet?
There, see, wallow wallow wallow.

Wow, I dropped the positive ending didn't I?!

See, and I feel bad for feeling like this as I know people around me that have it *so* much worse and 'up in the air' than me right now but I just can't help it. Center of our own universe and all that.

You know, it's funny (well, not funny haha but...you know...) because I *knew* I may feel this way this year (I always get like this around my birthday but the monumental 10 yr 'anniversary-ness' kind of adds to it 10 fold) but yeah, because I knew it would probably be worse I was hoping it wouldn't be as I was aware of it coming. Apparently this is not how things work. Go figure.

Oh for goodness sake, I really shouldn't be allowed to type when I'm tired and depressed.

I'll try again another day when I feel a bit lighter/clearer.

Sweet Dreams
xxx