The fabulous wave of depression that always seems to hit me around this time. Month to my birthday and I get depressed for I am yet another year older and still in the exact same place I was when I was 15. Fantastic.
WARNING - self pitying rant ahead
I know, there are people in the world have it so much worse off than I do but it's hard to be happy about where your life is when your going to school friends weddings, meeting thier new born babies and getting postcards from them from all around the world. What exactly have I done in the past 7 years? umm...good question. It didn't help the other day when I met the parents of a boy I went to primary/secondary school with. Telling me about his (and is mates who I also went to school with) life. Lived abroad, working in london, engaged, married, babies....so what have you been upto? Err...well I left school at 15 cos I got ill and umm...yeah, that's about it really. No qualifications? College? Nope. Nothing. Awww. Then of course the 'gotta think of something positive to say now' bit. They really don't.
AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate thinking like this. And of course you try to talk to people about it, you know, you just want to rant and be all wallow-y for a little while but they (and by they I mostly mean my mum) feel the overwhelming need to be positive and try to cheer you up. I don't want positivity I want realism! I just keep wanting to cry the whole time. I can't even leave the house at the moment because my legs have decided they don't want to work properly this week. Well, fortnight now I guess. Damn. I havn't even got the energy to do something productive/crafty at home. All I can do at the moment is sit on my fat arse in front of the computer or telly. And eat. All the time, I'm just so damn hungry. No wonder I put a stone on in under a year. Ok, fine, it's put me up to a healthy weight but what if I carry on this way? another aarrgghh for the pot. I tried talking to my friend about it but she's always been so confident and positive I don't think she really gets it. Sleeping's another thing. For someone who's always so tired and in bed a lot I don't actually get a whole lot of sleeping done. Too much dreaming. Incredibly vivid, technicolour, surround sound dreams. Dreams I had at 18 that I can still remember every detail of. 7 years and not one proper nights sleep? I imagine that can't do good things to your health (well, other than what's already wrong with it).
I'm kind of glad of the rain at the moment. People keep saying 'you'll probably cheer up when the sunshine comes out' but why? All that will do is make me think, well what a lovely day and here I am stuck in doors not able to enjoy it. At least if it's raining I can say - well, it's not like I'd be going out in this anyway...
Oh dammit. This really is a self pitying rant. I didn't mean to go on so much. Sorry if I've offended by going on about my not-so-bad-really life.
And thankyou for the comment about my photo, I quite liked that one too :)
Samm x
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